2013-06-01
bleeding heart
it is the time for an endless scroll of diarybarf beginning with another never was facebook status, which is that, since I couldn't decide what i wanted to eat (candidates were nachos and bread with cream cheese and avocado), I decided to look up that nutribullet shit on the internet and make something like that with the whatever its called...vitamix. it looks like poo and tasted ok and is probably the healthiest thing i've eaten in quite some time. i feel the same though and without the happiness that comes with giving myself something great/that i love. i will make those nachos later for sure. i am also just feeling the melancholy. bridgett has essentially slotted bobby into all the stuff we have usually done together and just informed me about it at the very last minute or not at all. snowboarding and now the trip to santa cruz. i am not unhappy for her though of course. i am very truly supportive of her relationship, just wish i also had an alternate :/
like all these people who on weekends go places with the people they love. like the beach or lake tahoe or wine country or santa cruz or the bulls game. all places i am literally (yes) dying to go to. but are impractical/depressing to do alone. it feels fucking insane that i am so ridiculously hard up for people to spend time with. really is this my life? but it is and no matter how hard i try or how many people i seem to meet, i just can't connect. like a robot. an autistic robot or something. last night at the party it was a seemingly endless parade of exactly all the syncophantic a-holes the bay is fucking ramjammed with and about whom i could give a flying fuck. but they are EVERYWHERE in swarming droves. maybe this isn't the place for me, but where there is my antithesis, surely it's antithesis must lurk closeby.
guh, maybe that is exactly the fucking problem. between whatshisname, who is the opposite, or so i am delusionally believing, of all these shmucks, is now a nonpossibility forever, thus negating both he and the rest of them leaving me with nothing.
so i think ok well i have a great job that helps people and changes their lives and everything, so really maybe it isn't about me in the grand scheme, which is all fine and good, but wouldn't i be doing a better job at doing my job if i were happier and less negative/pessamistic in general? this is possible. i would also quite possibly be massively sleep deprived, which was the case last time, as i had no time for anything other than work and screwing. anyway, if i had a regular person to be in a relationship with, they would (ok not regular, GOOD) be mindful of my time and commitments and work with instead of against me.
the stacks of reasons against this douchebag are fucking infinite, but i still can't goddamn shake it. it is the bitch that is the problem. is it? hell no. not her, but the fact that he chose her over me and is doing all this shit i wanted to be doing with him instead. what i wish is that i was his girlfriend and not her. why didn't it work out that way???? why didn't he want me to be his girlfriend, even though from the very beginning that wasn't the deal? why am i so upset that he was all, i don't have girlfriends and then found ONE reference to a "gf" on his stupidfucking instagram and the whole world crumbled. why does this shit bother me still, despite my discovery that he is a malingering filanderer who is also having sex with other men on the DL? i don't have any idea. i guess what i truly want is to call him out on his bullshit and know that he knows i know he is a fucking hypocritical lying piece of shit. even if nobody else knows, i think being his personal devil antagonist might even bring me more pleasure than if he were to truly be the man i hoped he could be. not true at all, but still. i need some closure.
i do, of course, realize how insane this sounds and how much it sounds like my mother who to her dying day will never be able to let go of my dad being the most humungous disappointment of all time. hmm. maybe there is hella truth in that. she could never move on (i don't know what she was up to before that) and professes to hate him, but still is transfixed by what he thinks about her, when i doubt he thinks that much. no, he probably does and has shrouded her memory into some disgusting festering cocoon of rage and misogyny and all that gross shit.
ok have i exorcised this beast enough to at least make some fucking nachos and get high and watch some AD before tackling the hot tub clean? Y.E.S.
tinteardrop at 12:59 p.m.