2011-03-07
map of my condition
as a child, i threatened my infant brother
at six, i was moved to tears by my mother's knowledge of my favorite color
as a tween, i bossed my family around
i longed to be invited to caroline's birthday
i was listed #4 on the school 'hot list'
i had three friends
in high school i didn't fit in. i wore too short skirts and had no curfew. i had no boyfriends. no kisses. no love, requited or not.
i switched schools and didn't fit in again. i worked at the gap and was judged mercilessly by my feminist peers. i had no boyfriends. a first kiss with a near stranger i didn't even like. i read books every day at lunch.
in university i lived off campus and was rejected by the first man i ever felt for. i didn't have friends and life was lonely. i met will, hoping to fill the gap. it didn't work and i learned the behavior i would be doomed to repeat in relationships. i nursed his bipolarism until he betrayed me emotionally. i stayed lonely for a while. i experienced deep anxiety for the first time. compunded my loneliness and left me with a fear of sunset. met janine, met david, met friends i like. david left me for the girl he loved who, years later, did the same to him.
after that i met dane. i worked while he stayed at home. i paid bills while he paid little attention to me. we were never in love.
i lost my sense of self-worth somewhere in between. during the jobs i wasn't right for, being worn down while trying to stand up. facing rejections, absences of love, loneliness, loneliness.
moved to california and found no one. traumatized by my closest ally and forced to live with her in the nightmare space for a year. found a drop of love. i think. it and the place it rested were scorched to ash. blown away by the freezing wind.
left alone. with nobody but my bad self. anxieties and worries, uncontrollable hardships and excruciating decisions. rejection and some more rejection. wrinkles. sadness. desperation. unlocked depths of misery before untouched.
moved again and found hope. graduated. pressed down by another boss and lowered to undergrunt. unemployed. lonely. dating website. lonelier. jealous. out of control.
now i feel sad. i feel guilty for feeling sad because i don't have much to feel sad about, really. when asked about my romantic past, i am honest and conversation falls silent. i crumble.
i feel like i don't deserve what i have. i don't deserve love, so it doesn't find me. i look for it and it is invisible. i shroud myself in brightness and warmth and everyone is tricked. nobody gets close to me. i don't let them.
why?
tinteardrop at 4:28 p.m.