2007-07-16
DESOLE
fuk. so much is happening and i never write it down...never!
damon died. fuck. it was a crazy trip to winnipeg for the funeral; meeting every person who loved him and every friend and girlfriend he had. his entire family, especially the dad half! i am completely infatuated with that particular side of the family...so hilarious and real. the sadness for me is kind of chronic. not painful as much as contemplative. i have thought of it as a tiny damon perched on my shoulder somehow just commentating on my inner dialogue. not really, that's not it at all! anyway, what i mean is by reading his journals and always recalling his insights in situations of confusion and, more importantly as an example for my own life, he is with me constantly.
i'm getting a memorial tattoo of an anatomical skull, hopefully exaggerated to look more like a dia de los muertos skull, face on and i'm getting it in the upside down v between my breasts. i got the idea from an entry of his about how he was constantly contemplating death and, upon hearing that many famous thinkers placed human skulls on their desks, decided he was in the market for one. he urged everyone to think about mortality, to 'look into it's hollow eyes and know that death is good. life is good.' i like that barely anyone will ever see it. i am also anticipating the pain of the process as i feel it will connect me to damons experience in a very individual way.
now i am falling down in my stepsisterly duties. i need to force derby to take a backseat sometimes and make sure that girl is protected and supported and loved above what she's ever known if that is possible. she needs it.
* * *
work is barely worth mentioning. it will finally end after my trip to california and las vegas. now i need to put the stupid bout out of my stupid worries and concentrating on my itinerary for that trip. there will be lots to do (register to vote, get my learners permit, a cell phone, bank account, credit card?...side note: now i can finally choose one of those insane credit cards they have in the states! i'll have to investigate the most ethical and hilarious choices, perhaps with the help of the "blue book").
and then i'll be in fucking santa cruz and then vegas. rollercon is going to be the illest in the world. i will enter the ocean many times. get a lay of the land. hopefully rent a bike and successfully fend off any potential lewdness or innappropriate activity on behalf of my uncle. and meet some rollergirls!
tonight has finally kind of vilified my attitude towards my team and the sport in general. luckily and wonderfully, i fucking rocked it and scored a shitload of points for my grrrls. however, the game itself was ass and there was a lot of dischord among the team, frustration at an injured player and general freak out insanity. it was just so wickedly fun to play!
after i got to ride home with her again and talk a little. but then i turned off to go home and left it at that again. i am such a stupid bastard. i'm just really not sure how to proceed. i am not really getting a vibe of interest, though she says nice things to me and obviously i really enjoy being around her, which hopefully somehow translates into mutual attraction. sigh. i just want some sound advice: is it better to tell her i like her directly? face to face or email? and do i tell her i like her or just ask her to hang out sometime? it never feels quite right. especially because she is such a wildcard and doesn't really seem to have many actual friends. such a hot lone wolf.
she complimented me on my skating a ton tonight and it felt so good! arg. ok, now time to watch more episodes of the office and nurse the realization that jim is basically bryan and add a little 1999 into the mix.
tinteardrop at 11:28 p.m.