2008-11-02
weary
i am so fucking emo lately. comes in parts.
part one. school.
i guess i've always had chronic anxiety when it comes to school as the work never really ends. not like work where you can forget the cash registers or staplers until they return to haunt your dreams. no, with school there is this perennial feeling of falling behind, of failure, of the panic that comes when you realize a november 11th due date is actually NOVEMBER FUCKING FIRST!
uggggghhhh. to add insult to injury i have this insane freakazoid group that is literally STILL EDITING at 1 on a sunday morning. for a project due on the seventh. SERENITY NOW!!!!!!!!
luckily i brought my medicine with me and rigged up an extremely shoddy fan/window/body spray operation to smoke the sad, band-aid wrapper joint i rolled in my cousin's bathroom earlier. desperate times indeed.
i guess this leads into part two. kristy.
way back on labour day, my idiot female ex-roommates and i made the poor decision to drop LSD in our crampy, sweltering, fur-coated apartment. what started as a hilarious attempt at decorating me like some freak Buddha baby holding boudicca as jesus swaddled in neon yellow sweatsuit fabric while smoking a huge joint and wearing the shiny rainbow extravaganza of a bikini that alison made me ended up in wrinkle-inducing hysteria.
anyway, good turned to bad and basically i got scared, kristy tripped out, shayna was oblivious and the scenario became me, terrified in a panic, trying to find a place to be alone and regroup and kristy, constantly humiliating me and playing me back and forth by sweetly coming to get me every time i WAS alone, then being babying and rude once we were together and driving me back upstairs.
it was literally as afraid as i have ever been in my life. my mom and brother got involved after i called them when i semi snapped out of it. they interpreted the situation as any loving family would: to try and help me, only me. only it couldn't be helped. we are all cool with it, thank god, but the lasting effect has been that i cannot and will not ever be able to return to normal with kristy.
this week she has been staying at our apartment. luckily i summoned the guts to tell shayna about it just before she arrived and it was a relief. but it was too much, especially at the end of this maddening week of school insanity where i needed an empty home badly to concentrate on work.
sigh. ok parte trois...a commencer en just un minute
tinteardrop at 1:00 a.m.