2010-08-30
undertow
these days every morning begins the same. my stomach, swollen with that bloated churn of anxiety and emptiness, roils and about a fist's depth below my sternum a knot forms. it tightens my breathing and my eyes snap open. thoughts fly at me in a dizzying whirlwind, each more unwanted than the last, the whorl becoming closer and louder and more terrifying with each second.
it tightens and twists and that frozen knot sneaks upwards, tying my insides and hijacking my consciousness, my emotions, my sanity. i try to abate. clean myself, drink some coffee, cuddle the kitties, take a glorious morning beach walk. only every thought. EVERY thought leads to me choking back tears. i think of things i love and become frantic with longing for them. i stare into the magical depths of the ocean, the salty curls of mathematical precision, the tangled kelp and foamy crests, alive within a drop.
this makes me long to run in, legs high, before plunging into the sting. i have done this twice this summer as it has been too cold. i reach for the cats and look in their sweet, innocent faces and feel stabs of guilt and pain. knowing i'm going to be leaving them, abandoning them. for my own self-centered reasons. i'll be left without their comfort and their familiarity and their love.
i scour my phone for signs of life, but no messages, updates or greetings. i envy robbie and his support groups. even at his most depressed, at least someone would know about it. he won't even talk to me anymore.
i think about the daunting, towering, overwhelming list of tasks ahead, most of them so unsavory i can't bear to think of them and the knot churns more deeply.
i haven't even left for work and my face is blotted with dried tears, stained and bloated. depression.
tinteardrop at 8:08 a.m.